In My Own Chair
This week, I’ve really struggled to give myself the same compassion that I make a living from extending to others. I’ve scolded myself for experiencing very human emotions. “Bri, suck it up. It’s so stupid to feel that way. I can’t believe you let yourself go there. You should have known better. Get. It. Together.” Y’all, I was so mean to ME. I would NEVER say these words to another soul.
Yesterday I had a client say to me, “I don’t know how you’re not uncomfortable as I’m telling you this”, as they shared the source of their deep pain. It was not my training or license that caused me not to flinch. Honestly, I was internally beaming with pride as they pressed through what I already knew was their worst nightmare - being completely raw in front of someone and risking rejection. Exposing their ugly, and then waiting for people to run away as fast as they can because it’s TOO ugly. I was so honored to emotionally catch them, because I get it...I get the fear that comes with that nightmare.
So here it is. I am no exception. I thought I had fixed that wound of rejection. But then a small thing happened this week that slightly resembled rejection, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Out of no where! I literally said out loud, “Uh- oh. Not right now. I don’t have time for this”, as I fought back shock and tears. But emotions do not wait. This was a reality that I hadn’t planned on re-visiting, because ya know, we can plan when and what we feel. 🤦🏽♀️
What to do, what to do. I gotta think fast. My sessions start in 30 minutes. I gotta bury this and get over it. Ha! While I know I am graced to meet people where they are despite my own crap, those feelings weren’t going anywhere. I was heavy, and refused to utter a word about it to anyone because I already felt like an idiot for allowing that pain to be triggered by something so small. This morning I woke up feeling the same way, but on a smaller scale. Typically, I’d allow that to be enough to suppress it and power through. Good, I’m better. At least it’s not as strong as it was yesterday. But, no. I know that if I don’t tackle this now, it will come back 10 times stronger the next time rejection rears its head.
When we are hurting, we see everything through the lens of that pain. That won’t change until we choose to heal. As I’ve said before...time does not heal all wounds. Healing is hard work.
This ain’t one of those I-Went-Through-This-A-While-Ago-Conquered-It-And-Now-Here’s-All-The-Answers post. This is more of a I’m-In-This-And-Here’s-What-I’m-Doing-About-It. My preference is the former, obedience requests the latter.
This morning I’m raw, and I hate it. This doesn’t feel good. I’m annoyed. I’m embarrassed. I’m disappointed that it took me being back here with all the thoughts, words, and memories that propel that message of rejection in my life to submit this prayer to my Father. Nevertheless...
Lord and Ruler,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry we haven’t had this conversation sooner...or rather, that I haven’t been ready for this one. I thank You for not turning from me. While I don’t always like it, I’m thankful for the nudge to face this yet again...and to do something about it.
Lord, this place is a weak one for me. I don’t have the boldness that I would like to in this. I’m asking you to help me walk through this, and to restore every message of rejection with Your affirming love and Truth. Help my heart and mind to make Your love its home.
“You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace. You see all that my enemies are doing. Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair...” (Ps. 69:19-20)
I thank you for the courage to face this, as no enemy on earth or even in my mind is greater than You. I thank you for being strong in my weakness. Let your peace and holy boldness be my portion.
“Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.”
Ephesians 3:12 NLT
Help me to use those You have sent to walk with me. Help me to exchange my guards for grace, pride for power, and shame for humility. Help me to be a sponge in your presence.
I am reminded of your thoughts about me.
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!”
(Psalms 139:13-18 NLT)
Off to take care of Bri. Until next time. ♥️